| Watch
what you tell your children - |
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Johnny is on
his way to church with his family and his father says "Johnny here is five
dollars for the offering plate, it is for the poor and needy". At church as
the offering plate comes by Johnny holds the five dollars back, his father
thinks he will just watch him and see what he is going to do. After the service
Johnny walks up to the preacher and said "here Reverend this is for
you" the preacher says " Johnny, you could have put it in the offering
plate", Johnny says "I wanted to give it to you. My Papa says it is
for the poor and needy, and last week on the way home from church he said you
were one of the poorest preachers he has ever heard".....
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class
of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their
hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why
she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My Mom is a Christian,
and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be
then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an
atheist." |
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CHURCH BULLETIN
MISTAKES:
Miss Charlene Mason sang
"I will not pass this way again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.--prayer and medication to follow.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
Directions to Heaven
A choir director that was new in town asked a little boy how to get to the
Post Office.
After the little boy told him, the choir director said, "Why don't you come
to church Sunday? We give instructions on how to get to heaven." After
thinking a minute, the boy replied:
"I don't think so. You don't even know how to get to the Post Office."
Candles in the choir
A mother took her 3-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church
lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted
candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice...
"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive."
"In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still
a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a
negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up,
"Yeah, right."
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has
a near death experience, she sees the Angel of Death, and asks, "Is this
it?." he says, "No.", and tells her that she has another 30-40
years to live.
She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since
she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She
walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by
an ambulance and dies.
She arrives in front of the angel and asks, "I thought you said I had
another 30 or 40 years?"
He replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale", or "Let's Call The Whole Thing
Off"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
Can you think of any more?????
Why -
1. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
3. Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
4. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
5. Why are rich people eccentric, but everyone else is just weird?
6. Why are boxing rings square?
7. Are there such things as imitation rhinestones?
8. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the
volume on the radio?
9. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
10. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
11. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the bottom of the pan?
12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
13. What happens if you have amnesia and deja vu at the same time?
14. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with
real lemons?
15. Did Houdini ever lock his keys in his car?
16. If you make wine out of raisins, do you have to wait for it to age?
17. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
18. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
19. Why do you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
20. Did it
ever occur to you that nothing ever occurs to God? He knows everything.
Employee: "You'll have to give me a raise, sir. There are three
companies after me."
Boss: "What three companies?"
Employee: "The Electric Company, The Telephone Company, and The Water
Company."
|
GREAT CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS -
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you
try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only in an advisory
capacity.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but
mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle
of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front
door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you
couldn't belong.
The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in
conclusion."
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for
the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference
does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the
Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country
back as much as committees.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the
spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God
will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to
discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3
nails = 4 given.
Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it is that
You know he or she may be needing this day!"
|
A duck walks
into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I
have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's
just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you
doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his
sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes
to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub
and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking
duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see
me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The
bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top
job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the
animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the
middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they
want
with a dry waller?"
- What's the difference between an onion and an
accordion?
- No one cries when you cut up an accordion.
- Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
- They're trying to get away from the noise.
There were 3 passengers on a small plane along with
the pilot. One was the smartest man in the world;
another was a priest; the third a college student.
Things seemed to be going all right when suddenly
the pilot shouted that the plane was going
down...and there were only three parachutes.
 The
pilot exclaimed, "I have a family! I can't leave
them!" then grabbed one of the chutes and jumped
out, leaving only two parachutes.
The
smartest man in the world said, "Look, I'm the
smartest man in the whole world. I've made countless
contributions to society and culture and I must live
so I may continue to dazzle humanity with my
scintillating intellect." Having said this, he took
a pack and jumped out after the pilot.
The
priest then turned to the student. "I've lived a
long and full life," he explains, "and I'm ready to
meet my creator. You, my child, have your whole life
ahead of you. Please, take the last parachute."
The
student smiled. "Relax, Father. We'll both be fine.
The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the
plane with my backpack."
A tall, thin, blue-eyed, long-haired blonde was
simply fed up with all the stereotypes, tired of
everyone judging her by her appearance. So one
day she got a complete makeover, including a
hair cut and dye. As a brunette, she felt like
she had a new lease on life, so she got herself
a great new fancy sports convertible and treated
herself to a ride in the country.
After
driving a while, she pulled up next to a fence
surrounding a field absolutely brimming with
sheep. She got out of the car and beckoned the
shepherd to come to the fence, which he did.
"I
have a deal for you," she informed him.
"Okay—what'll
it be?" the shepherd responded.
"If
I can guess how many sheep are in your meadow,
may I take one home with me?"
The
shepherd considered this and shrugged. "Be my
guest," he said.
So
the blonde squinted out over the meadow for a
few minutes before triumphantly announcing, "Two
hundred and thirty-seven."
"By
Gosh, you're absolutely right!" exclaimed the
shepherd. "You can have your pick of my flock."
The
blonde chose the one she liked best and tossed
it into the car. As she stepped into the car
herself, the shepherd called after her, "Oh,
miss? I have a deal for you."
"Yes?"
answered the blonde, hands on the steering
wheel.
"If
I can guess your real hair color, can I have my
dog back?"
Smiles
from The Bible:
>
>Q. What kind of man was
Boaz before he married?
>A. Ruthless.
>
>Q. What do they call
pastors in Germany?
>A. German Shepherds.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest
financier in the Bible?
>A. Noah. He was floating
his stock while everyone
else
>was in liquidation.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest
female financier in the
Bible?
>A. Pharaoh's daughter.
She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew
out a
>little prophet.
>
>Q. What kind of motor
vehicles are in the Bible?
>A. Jehovah drove Adam
and Eve out of the Garden in
a Fury. David's
Triumph
>was heard throughout the
land. Also, probably a
Honda, because the
apostles
>were all in one Accord.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest
comedian in the Bible?
>A. Samson. He brought
the house down.
>
>Q. What excuse did Adam
give to his children as to
why
>he no longer lived in
Eden?
>A. Your mother ate us
out of house and home.
>
>Q. Which servant of God
was the most flagrant
>lawbreaker in the Bible?
>A. Moses. He broke all
10 commandments at once.
>
>Q. Which area of
Palestine was especially
wealthy?
>A. The area around
Jordan. The banks were
always overflowing.
>
>Q. Who is the greatest
baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
>A. David. He rocked
Goliath to a very deep
sleep.
>
>Q. Which Bible character
had no parents?
>A. Joshua, son of Nun.
>
>Q. Why didn't they play
cards on the Ark?
>A. Because Noah was
standing on the deck. (Groannn...)
>
>KEEP SMILING!!!!
>GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES
AND BUNCHES!!!!
>Friends are God's way of
taking care of us....
>
>PS... Did you know it's
a sin for a woman to make
coffee? Yup,
it's
in
>the
>Bible.
>
>It says . . .
"Hebrews"
>
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If
you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If
you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If
you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If
you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for
it,
If
you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give
you time,
If
you can overlook when people take things out on you
when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If
you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If
you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If
you can conquer tension without medical help,
If
you can relax without liquor,
If
you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If
you can do all these things,
Then
you are probably the family dog.
|
THOUGHTS TO
PONDER -
1. I started
out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2. I finally
got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
3. Funny, I
don't remember being absent minded.
4. If all is
not lost, where is it?
5. It is
easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
6. If at first
you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
7. The first
rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
8. I went to
school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
9. It was all
so different before everything changed.
10. A day
without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
11. I wish the
buck stopped here. I could use a few...
12. It's hard
to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only
time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
14. If God
wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When
you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play
chess?
16. A closed
mouth gathers no feet.
17. Health is
merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
18. If we
learn from our mistakes, why am I not a genius by now?
.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE
CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your
sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4.
Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your
food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7. Puppies still have
bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at
the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece
of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS
HAVE LEARNED
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