| Watch
what you tell your children - |
|
Johnny is on
his way to church with his family and his father says "Johnny here is five
dollars for the offering plate, it is for the poor and needy". At church as
the offering plate comes by Johnny holds the five dollars back, his father
thinks he will just watch him and see what he is going to do. After the service
Johnny walks up to the preacher and said "here Reverend this is for
you" the preacher says " Johnny, you could have put it in the offering
plate", Johnny says "I wanted to give it to you. My Papa says it is
for the poor and needy, and last week on the way home from church he said you
were one of the poorest preachers he has ever heard".....
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class
of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their
hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why
she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My Mom is a Christian,
and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be
then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an
atheist." |
|
CHURCH BULLETIN
MISTAKES:
Miss Charlene Mason sang
"I will not pass this way again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.--prayer and medication to follow.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
Directions to Heaven
A choir director that was new in town asked a little boy how to get to the
Post Office.
After the little boy told him, the choir director said, "Why don't you come
to church Sunday? We give instructions on how to get to heaven." After
thinking a minute, the boy replied:
"I don't think so. You don't even know how to get to the Post Office."
Candles in the choir
A mother took her 3-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church
lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted
candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice...
"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive."
"In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still
a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a
negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up,
"Yeah, right."
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has
a near death experience, she sees the Angel of Death, and asks, "Is this
it?." he says, "No.", and tells her that she has another 30-40
years to live.
She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since
she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She
walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by
an ambulance and dies.
She arrives in front of the angel and asks, "I thought you said I had
another 30 or 40 years?"
He replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale", or "Let's Call The Whole Thing
Off"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
Can you think of any more?????
Why -
1. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
3. Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
4. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
5. Why are rich people eccentric, but everyone else is just weird?
6. Why are boxing rings square?
7. Are there such things as imitation rhinestones?
8. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the
volume on the radio?
9. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
10. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
11. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the bottom of the pan?
12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
13. What happens if you have amnesia and deja vu at the same time?
14. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with
real lemons?
15. Did Houdini ever lock his keys in his car?
16. If you make wine out of raisins, do you have to wait for it to age?
17. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
18. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
19. Why do you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
20. Did it
ever occur to you that nothing ever occurs to God? He knows everything.
Employee: "You'll have to give me a raise, sir. There are three
companies after me."
Boss: "What three companies?"
Employee: "The Electric Company, The Telephone Company, and The Water
Company."
|
GREAT CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS -
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you
try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only in an advisory
capacity.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but
mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle
of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front
door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you
couldn't belong.
The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in
conclusion."
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for
the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference
does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the
Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country
back as much as committees.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the
spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God
will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to
discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3
nails = 4 given.
Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it is that
You know he or she may be needing this day!"
|
A duck walks
into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I
have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's
just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you
doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his
sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes
to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub
and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking
duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see
me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The
bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top
job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the
animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the
middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they
want
with a dry waller?"
- What's the difference between an onion and an
accordion?
- No one cries when you cut up an accordion.
- Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
- They're trying to get away from the noise.
There were 3 passengers on a small plane along with
the pilot. One was the smartest man in the world;
another was a priest; the third a college student.
Things seemed to be going all right when suddenly
the pilot shouted that the plane was going
down...and there were only three parachutes.
 The
pilot exclaimed, "I have a family! I can't leave
them!" then grabbed one of the chutes and jumped
out, leaving only two parachutes.
The
smartest man in the world said, "Look, I'm the
smartest man in the whole world. I've made countless
contributions to society and culture and I must live
so I may continue to dazzle humanity with my
scintillating intellect." Having said this, he took
a pack and jumped out after the pilot.
The
priest then turned to the student. "I've lived a
long and full life," he explains, "and I'm ready to
meet my creator. You, my child, have your whole life
ahead of you. Please, take the last parachute."
The
student smiled. "Relax, Father. We'll both be fine.
The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the
plane with my backpack."
A tall, thin, blue-eyed, long-haired blonde was
simply fed up with all the stereotypes, tired of
everyone judging her by her appearance. So one
day she got a complete makeover, including a
hair cut and dye. As a brunette, she felt like
she had a new lease on life, so she got herself
a great new fancy sports convertible and treated
herself to a ride in the country.
After
driving a while, she pulled up next to a fence
surrounding a field absolutely brimming with
sheep. She got out of the car and beckoned the
shepherd to come to the fence, which he did.
"I
have a deal for you," she informed him.
"Okay—what'll
it be?" the shepherd responded.
"If
I can guess how many sheep are in your meadow,
may I take one home with me?"
The
shepherd considered this and shrugged. "Be my
guest," he said.
So
the blonde squinted out over the meadow for a
few minutes before triumphantly announcing, "Two
hundred and thirty-seven."
"By
Gosh, you're absolutely right!" exclaimed the
shepherd. "You can have your pick of my flock."
The
blonde chose the one she liked best and tossed
it into the car. As she stepped into the car
herself, the shepherd called after her, "Oh,
miss? I have a deal for you."
"Yes?"
answered the blonde, hands on the steering
wheel.
"If
I can guess your real hair color, can I have my
dog back?"
Smiles
from The Bible:
>
>Q. What kind of man was
Boaz before he married?
>A. Ruthless.
>
>Q. What do they call
pastors in Germany?
>A. German Shepherds.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest
financier in the Bible?
>A. Noah. He was floating
his stock while everyone
else
>was in liquidation.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest
female financier in the
Bible?
>A. Pharaoh's daughter.
She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew
out a
>little prophet.
>
>Q. What kind of motor
vehicles are in the Bible?
>A. Jehovah drove Adam
and Eve out of the Garden in
a Fury. David's
Triumph
>was heard throughout the
land. Also, probably a
Honda, because the
apostles
>were all in one Accord.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest
comedian in the Bible?
>A. Samson. He brought
the house down.
>
>Q. What excuse did Adam
give to his children as to
why
>he no longer lived in
Eden?
>A. Your mother ate us
out of house and home.
>
>Q. Which servant of God
was the most flagrant
>lawbreaker in the Bible?
>A. Moses. He broke all
10 commandments at once.
>
>Q. Which area of
Palestine was especially
wealthy?
>A. The area around
Jordan. The banks were
always overflowing.
>
>Q. Who is the greatest
baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
>A. David. He rocked
Goliath to a very deep
sleep.
>
>Q. Which Bible character
had no parents?
>A. Joshua, son of Nun.
>
>Q. Why didn't they play
cards on the Ark?
>A. Because Noah was
standing on the deck. (Groannn...)
>
>KEEP SMILING!!!!
>GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES
AND BUNCHES!!!!
>Friends are God's way of
taking care of us....
>
>PS... Did you know it's
a sin for a woman to make
coffee? Yup,
it's
in
>the
>Bible.
>
>It says . . .
"Hebrews"
>
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If
you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If
you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If
you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If
you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for
it,
If
you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give
you time,
If
you can overlook when people take things out on you
when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If
you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If
you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If
you can conquer tension without medical help,
If
you can relax without liquor,
If
you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If
you can do all these things,
Then
you are probably the family dog.
|
THOUGHTS TO
PONDER -
1. I started
out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2. I finally
got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
3. Funny, I
don't remember being absent minded.
4. If all is
not lost, where is it?
5. It is
easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
6. If at first
you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
7. The first
rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
8. I went to
school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
9. It was all
so different before everything changed.
10. A day
without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
11. I wish the
buck stopped here. I could use a few...
12. It's hard
to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only
time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
14. If God
wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When
you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play
chess?
16. A closed
mouth gathers no feet.
17. Health is
merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
18. If we
learn from our mistakes, why am I not a genius by now?
.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE
CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your
sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4.
Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your
food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7. Puppies still have
bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at
the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece
of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS
HAVE LEARNED
1. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
2. The best way to keep kids at home is to
make the home a pleasant atmosphere, then let the air out of their tires.
3.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
4. Middle age is when
you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
5. The more you complain, the
longer God lets you live
6. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the
facts.
7. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen to you the rest of the day.
8. You know you're getting old when you
stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
CHURCH
BULLETINS IN NEED OF AN EDITOR -
1. Bertha
Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial
Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting
Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals".
3. Today the
pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth Into Joy".
4.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands".
5.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own
hotdogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
6.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
7.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they
can get.
8.
Carol remains in the hospital ... She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of the Pastor's sermons.
9.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are
afflicted with any church.
10.
The Pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
11.
Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.
12.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will
then speak on "It's a terrible experience".
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us,
"After a worship service at First
Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will
have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE IN A TEXAS CHURCH WHEN....
Prayers are said for the well being of the Dallas Cowboys.
The call to worship is, "ya'll come on in."
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
The preacher asks Bubba to help take up the offering and 5 guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A church member asks to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It
ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
Church activities are planned not to conflict with a high school football game.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two
fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya
hear?"
Preacher's Kid
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him
why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of
his mesages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
DEEP THOUGHTS
-
1. I doubt, therefore I
might be.
I am not a drinker, but here is a few for those who
are:
2. One tequila, two tequila,
three tequila, floor.
3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
4. A fool and his money are soon
partying.
5. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
say it.
6. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.
7. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
8.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
10. Procrastination is
the art of keeping up with yesterday.
11. Women like silent men, they think
they're listening.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
13. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
14. Before
they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
15. If all the world is a stage, where
is the audience sitting?
16. If the #2
pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
17. If work is so terrific, how
come they have to pay you to do it?
18. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
19.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
20. Why is it called
tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
There was this lady that had to do a
lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made
her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped
relax her. On one particular flight she was sitting next to a man. When he saw
her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was
doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe
all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It
is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by
that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man
asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
|
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
awake.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish
as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because, chiffon wrinkles too
easily.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years,
what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would
never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there
anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the
army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great
Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that
he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two
occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet!
|
The Washington Post's "Style
Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it
by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here
are some recent winners:
1. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
2. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
3. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
4. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.
5. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
6. Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
7. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
8. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
9. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the
IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
...
to be continued
|
e-mail:
jimmyguitar@juno.com
 |
 | .
|
|
- A-1: The trouble
with life is there's no background music.
-
ABBREVIATIONS - Loads of fun and great for
e-mail. Our thanks to Rich Blumenthal for the
donation.
- Achy muscles from a
bout of the flu? Mix One Tablespoon of
horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the
mixture
sit for 30 minutes, then
apply it as a massage oil for instant relief
for aching muscles.
- Accupuncture is a
jab well done.
- Aging: At my age
flowers scare me.(George Burns)
- Afraid of dark: How
come it takes so little time for a child who
is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who
wants to stay out all night?
- Aging: Don't let
aging get you down...It's too hard to get back
up.
- Aging: Don't worry
about getting older. If a mechanic can't
repair your brakes, they'll just make your
horn louder."
- Aging: Anyone who
thinks old age is golden must not have had a
very exciting youth.
- Aging: Ever get the
feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
- Aging: I don't feel
old - I don't feel anything until noon.Then
it's time for my nap.(Bob Hope)
- Aging: I think I've
reached my sexpiration date.
- Aging: I used to
have Saturday Night Fever...Now I just have
Saturday Night hot flashes.
- Aging: If I've said
it once, I've said it a hundred times....(At
my age, that's true of everything you can
possibly ever say.)
- Aging: I'm getting
into swing dancing.Not on purpose...some parts
of my body are just prone to swinging whether
music is playing or not.
- Aging: I'm very
pleased to be here.Let's face it; at my age
I'm very pleased to be anywhere.(George
Burns)
- Aging: It's scary
when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
- Aging: I've reached
the age where the 'Happy Hour' is a nap
- Aging: The biggest
problem with the younger generation these days
is that I don't belong to it any more.
- Aging: The older you
get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat are really good
friends.
- Aging: These days
about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
- Almonds are not
really nuts, but a member of the peach family.
- Ambition is a poor
excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Ants: Bounce will
chase ants away when you lay a sheet near
them.
- Apology: Get the
last word in: Apologize.
- Apples, not
caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
- Arising: The early
worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
- Arthritis? WD-40
Spray and rub in; kills insect sting pain,
too.
- Arthritis: Quaker
Oats for fast pain relief. It's not for
breakfast anymore! Mix two cups of Quaker Oats
and one
cup of water in a bowl
and warm in the microwave for one minute, cool
slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands
for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
- Assassination: How
important does a person have to be before they
are considered assassinated instead of just
murdered?
- Athletes feet - use
cornstarch
- Atom Bomb: An
invention to end all inventions.
- Babies are born
without kneecaps. They don't appear until the
child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
- Bachelors: All a
bachelor has to do to discover his hidden
faults is to get married.
- Back When: In the
60's people took acid to make the world
weird.Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
- Baked on food -fill
container with water, get a Bounce fabric
softener sheet and the static from the Bounce
sheet will cause baked on food to adhere to
it. Soak overnight. Also you can use 2
Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
- Bar-b-q: A backyard
barbecue draws two things....flies and
relatives.
- Barbie Doll: If
Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?
- Bee stings - meat
tenderizer
- Bees: Golfers put a
Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the
bees away.
- Bells: Does the name
Pavlov ring a bell?
- Bible: The Bible
does not say there were three wise men; it
only says there were three gifts.
- Bible: The Bible has
been translated into Klingon.
- Bicycle Chains:
Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking
spray
- Bicycle: A bicycle
can't stand on its own because it is two
tired.
- Binoculars: Why do
people pay to go up tall buildings and then
put money in binoculars to look at things on
the ground?
- Birthdays are good
for you; the more you have, the longer you
live.
- Body paint - Crisco
mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in
the microwave, pour into an empty film
container and mix with the food color of your
choice! (Food coloring stains, so be prepared
to be that color for awhile)
- Bogart, Humphrey was
related to Princess Diana.They were 7th
cousins
- Boss: Someone who is
early when you are late and late when you are
early.
- Bread: Since bread
is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
- Breathing: Whenever
I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- Burn your tongue?
Put sugar on it!
- Burns: Minor burn -
Colgate or Crest toothpaste
- Butterflies taste
with their feet.
- Calendars: Every
calendar's days are numbered.
- Camcorders: Have you
noticed since everyone has a camcorder these
days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like
they used to.
- Canadian two dollar
bill: the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
- Capone: Al Capone's
business card said he was a used furniture
dealer.
- Cars: Never buy a
car you can't push.
- Car Crazy: No one
has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.
- Carter, Jimmy was
the first U.S.president to have been born in a
hospital.
- Cash Advance: A
journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.
- Cat hair: Rubbing
the area with a sheet of Bounce will
magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
- CD Scratch Remover:
Peanut butter - will get scratches out of
CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
- Change: There are
293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- Chickens: A chicken
crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Chickens: There are
more chickens than people in the world.
- Cigarette: A pinch
of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one
end & a fool at the other.
- Class Reunions: Why
is it that at class reunions you feel younger
than everyone else looks?
- Classic: A book
which people praise, but do not read.
- Clocks: All of the
clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck
on 4:20."
- Coat hanger is 44
inches long when straightened.
- Coca-Cola: If
coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
- Coca-Cola: Do you
know that it will take corrosion from
batteries!
- Cockroach can live
without its head, until it starves to death.
- College Degree: I
have a degree in liberal arts; do you want
fries with that?
- Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually
and sit to decide that nothing can be done
together.
- Compromise: The art
of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
- Computer Engineer:
One who gets paid for reading such mails...
- Computer: The
average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
- Computers: Give a
person a fish and you feed them for a
day.Teach that person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks
- Conference Room: A
place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on.
- Conference: The
confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.
- Conscience: A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
- Conscience: A
conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.
- Consciousness: that
annoying time between naps.
- Conventions:
Business conventions are important because
they demonstrate how many people a company can
operate without.
- Conversation: The
real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing in the right place, but also
to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
- Crayon on the wall -
Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
- Criminal: A guy no
different from the rest...except that he got
caught.
- Criticism: All of us
could take a lesson from the weather.It pays
no attention to criticism.
- Crocodile: A
crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
- Crocodiles never
outgrow the pool in which they live?
- Crying: Can you cry
under water?
- Dancing: Nobody
cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.
- Dandruff: Heavy
dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
- Deafness: If a deaf
person has to go to court, is it still called
a hearing?
- Depression is merely
anger without enthusiasm.
- Dictionary: A place
where divorce comes before marriage.
- Dieting: If you
can't stay on a diet - do the next best
thing. Stay off the scales.
- Dirty grout -
Listerine
- Dishwasher: Kool-Aid
to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the
detergent section and run a cycle, it will
also clean a toilet
- Dishwasher: TANG in
your diswasher....run it thru once it helps
your machine run better
- Divorce: Future
tense of marriage
- Divorce: My wife
and I divorced over religious differences.
She
thought she was God and I didn't.
- Doctor: A person who
kills your ills by pills, and kills you with
his bills.
- Doctors can be so
frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for
an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd
come to me sooner."
- Doctors: Why do
doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Dog Bites: 40 people
are sent to the hospital for dog bites every
minute.
- Dogs: Mine can lick
anyone!
- Dogs: Scratch a dog
and you'll find a permanent job.
- Doll Clothes: When
the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle
with cornstarch and watch them slide on.
- Domesticated: In the
last 4,000 years, no new animals have been
domesticated.
- Dragonfly has a life
span of 24 hours.
- Drinking: A woman
drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her.(W.C.Fields)
- Drinking: Any woman
can have the body of a 21-year-old...as long
as she buys him a few drinks first.
- Drinking: I feel
sorry for people who don't drink.They wake up
in the morning and that's the best they are
going to feel all day. (Frank Sinatra)
- Drinking: I never
drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.(W.C.Fields)
- Eagles may soar, but
weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early Bird: The
early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
- Earth is the insane
asylum for the universe.
- Eggplant: Two-thirds
of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
- Egotist: When two
egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- Elmer's Glue-paint
on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and
see the dead skin and blackheads, if any.
- Eskimos use
refrigerators to keep food FROM freezing.
- Etc.: A sign to make
others believe that you know more than you
actually do.
- Evidence: If at
first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
- Executives: Some
executives have big computers to do all their
work. Others just have wives.
- Exercise: I've tried
to find a suitable exercise video for women my
age..But they haven't made one called, "Buns
of Putty."
- Experience is what
you have left after you've screwed up.
- Experience: The name
men give to their mistakes.
- Eyes: Our eyes are
always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.
- Eyes: The giant
squid has the largest eyes in the world.
- Eyes: The only 2
animals that can see behind itself without
turning its head are the rabbit and the
parrot.
- Eyes: Eliminate
puffiness under your eyes. All you need is a
dab of preparation H, carefully rubbed into
the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid
ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving
the swelling instantly.
- Eyes: Women blink
nearly twice as much as men.
- Eyeglasses: To
prevent the screws in eyeglasses from
loosening, apply a small drop of clear nail
polish to the threads of the screws before
tightening them.
- FAILURE IS NOT AN
OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
- Family: The other
night I ate at a real family restaurant.Every
table had an argument going.
- Father: A banker
provided by nature.
- Fathers: When I was
a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I
could hardly stand to have the old man
around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I
was astonished by how much he'd learned in
seven years.(Joe Namath) .
- February 1865 is the
only month in recorded history not to have a
full moon.
- Feet Stinky? - Use
Jell-O!!
- Feet: Your feet are
bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the
day.
- Firehouse: The
reason firehouses have circular stairways is
from the days when the engines were pulled by
horses.They kept the horses from walking up
the stairs!
- Flattery: A plateau
is a high form of flattery.
- Flattery: I once had
a rose named after me and I was very
flattered. I was not pleased, however, to
read the description in the catalogue: no good
in a bed, but fine up against a wall. (Eleanor
Roosevelt)
- Fleas in your
carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax: sprinkle and let
stand for 2-4 hours.
- Fleas: The flea can
jump 350 times its body length.That's like a
human jumping the length of a football field.
- Flintstones: There's
no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
- Fogging: To keep
goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with
Colgate toothpaste
- Forest Fires: How is
it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire
?
- Fresh Flowers: to
keep them longer, add a little Clorox or 2
Bayer aspirin in the water.Or just use 7-up
instead of water.
- Fungus on toenails
or fingernails - vapor rub
- Future: The nicest
thing about it is that it always starts
tomorrow.
- Future: When you've
mortgaged the future to have a fling, don't
complain when the foreclosure comes.
- Games: Think about
this..... No one ever says "It's only a game"
when their team is winning.
- Garlic odor on hands
- rub stainless steel utensil over entire hand
- No more odor!
- Geese: A group of
geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of
geese in the air is a skein.
- Genes: The gene pool
could use a little chlorine.
- God must love stupid
people; he made so many.
- God promises a safe
landing, but not a calm voyage.
- Goldfish has a
memory span of three seconds.
- Golf Balls: There
are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
- Goodness: If you
think there is good in everybody, you haven't
met everybody.
- Government: A penny
saved is a government oversight.
- Government: The cost
of government won't go down until the voters
rise up.
- Grass stains -- Karo
Syrup. Rub in, let soak and wash.
- Grease Stains - Coca
Cola, it will also remove grease stains from
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